The Kimberly Horror Picture Show
by SHADO Commander
Summary: What will happen to Kim and Ron when they encounter Shego Kigofurther and RuffRatt at the old Drakken place? Yes, it's the Kim Possible cast in a less than proper remake of THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!  ACT 2 is up NOW! KiGo, RonBonMon, and Mature
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: I had to spend a bunch of time at the vet this weekend, which wasn't conducive to work on ATCOTS, but I'd found the plot bunny for this in my notes and knocked out the songs on my Blackberry. The rest followed, and if the interest and reviews are there, I'll get back to it soon. Otherwise, consider this part to be something like a very extended trailer. Seriously folks, with FFN's stat counters apparently dead and dying, reviews and favs are the only way I have to gauge interest in a show. If you want to see more, pop up something, even just an LOL. Otherwise I don't even know if anyone's actually read this. _**Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Shego, Monique, Bonnie Rockwaller, Mr. Barkin, Tara, Jessica, Felix & Dr. Drakken are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Music is stol… a tribute to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, book and lyrics by Richard O'Brien. **__**Use in **__**use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, but just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all human characters doing the naughty shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18, while all mole-rats are also of consenting age.**_

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The Kimberly Horror Picture Show

A new KiGo musical by SHADO Commander

ACT 1

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"Aw! And now it's raining too!"

Kim Possible gritted her teeth as she continued to plod through the seemingly primeval growth of this strange forest, all the while attempting to ignore the sound of her "partner" and… God help her… fiancé… as he incessantly and repetitively restated and rephrased the blatantly obvious facts of their predicament over and over repeatedly like it was some kind of mantra to bring down even more negative Karma.

Yes, the skies had suddenly opened up and seemed to be dumping the combined contents of Lakes Huron, Eerie and Superior on them simultaneously, and yes the temperature had been dropping steadily to the point where death from exposure was looking increasingly like their likely fate. However, on a day in which Kim had somehow inexplicably found her self ENGAGED to the buffoon, it wasn't likely that things could really get much worse for her.

As if to prove her wrong, a bolt of lightning struck a tree not thirty feet away from them, splitting what had been a mighty oak in half. A dozen birds, three rain drenched squirrels and a semi-toasted possum fled the blazing wreckage in a mad panic, but Kim trudged onward. They'd been marching for nearly two hours now, and only the fact that they still seemed to be moving in the correct direction indicated at the last time they'd been able to get a GPS reading gave the impetus to continue onward. Now they couldn't even raise Wade on their Kimmunicators, as if this forsaken landscape was so dreary that not even radio waves wanted to hang around here. What the hell. It was probably a wild goose chase anyway!

"Hey look! A wild goose!" Ron suddenly exclaimed as the beast in question flew past, with Ron's nerves catching up with him once a second later gain as he exploded in tears and terror. "And I'm afraid of geese, aren't I?"

That was the twist that caused the tightly wound rubber band that was Kim Possible's patience to snap. "Be quiet Ron! We wouldn't be stuck out here like this if you hadn't messed up the Sloth so badly!"

"But the Tweebs said they'd converted it to diesel so that it could run on old fryolator oil from restaurants!" Ron whined.

"AFTER you filter it!" Kim snarled. "There were French fries in the fuel line and a buffalo wing in the carburetor!"

"Well… nobody told me that…" Ron grumbled, retreating into the same whimpering, bellyaching mode he'd been falling back into since they first met in pre-K. It had been cute once. Now it got on Kim's nerves like steel wool being rubbed over an open, gaping sore. That's why she'd "accepted" his ring when he pulled it out in front of her cheer co-captain (and best female friend) Tara and the rest of the cheer squad this morning. She hadn't felt up to enduring a three-day mega-mope, not with a mission coming up, and she'd figured she'd have time to let him down easily later and her teammates would certainly understand… there wasn't a sweeter and more supportive group of girls on the planet and they all knew all too well about Ron's problems and delusions, like his insistence that he could hear understandable speech from a wide variety of wild animals.

If only there had been a third member of their small mission team, besides Wade, that was, someone to share the burden of taking care of Ron in his neediest moments. Or if, just once, she'd stood up and told Ron that he couldn't follow her to Summer Camp one year, so he'd have been forced to make other friends, or even tackle a problem more complex than figuring out which of his socks was supposed to be the left one.

At least they'd finally solved that one though. Since socks came bound in pairs, Kim just marked them Left and Right before breaking the little plastic thing that held them together. But anybody, or anything, even a pet, would have been appreciated.

Because Kim desperately needed a few minutes alone to herself. To figure out what was going on with her. To make sure she wasn't going nuts.

The first of the dreams had seemed innocuous enough. A typical day at school, although she hadn't recognized everybody who was sitting at their table. Yeah, Tara had been there, and Ron, Felix and Jessica. She'd had lots of dreams about them. But in this dream, it had seemed most of her focus was on two people she didn't know: the smiling black one, and the uber-bitch who kept provoking her. And then there had been that OTHER dream entity, the one whom she'd never been able to quite see. A nebulous shape that was still undeniably female in every since of the word and seemed to be her… well… her arch nemesis. Except that unlike every other villain she fought, she and this one got down to grips in a way that…

That had Kim waking up feeling very confused about what had just happened. All she could remember was some vague recollections of wrestling, rolling on the floor of an unknown lair and pounding the hell out of someone who was pounding her back.

As her REAL arch nemesis, Adrena Lynne would say… "Freaky!"

And that had been just the first of many dreams. All roughly the same in the general but different in the particulars. Why was she creating an entirely fictitious set of friends in her head? And just what WAS that unidentified female opponent supposed to represent?

All Kim knew for sure was that if she took these issues to her "Mental Health Councelor," Ms. Rorschach, she ran a good chance of being scrubbed from the mission team. So she kept it bottled inside; her personal secret, and every time she had another dream, she got just a little more confused.

"Hey Kim?"

"Huh?" It had taken a minute for Ron's words to pierce the drowning rain, the rumbling thunder and her own cluttered thoughts. Way to go, seasoned mission professional, Kim thought. If Director Du seen her spacing out like that, she'd be off the mission list, weird thoughts or no.

"What Ron?" She asked, trying to focus.

"Is that a light?"

"A light?" Kim blinked. "Where?"

"In the window of that big castle." Ron replied, pointing to the huge gothic structure rising out of the rain and mist like a bad cliché.

Holy crap! How in the hell had Kim missed THAT?

"Do you think that's the old Frankenstein place?" Ron asked in a nervous whisper.

"I can't imagine why," Kim sighed. "Given that we were sent here to look for a castle that belongs to a missing scientist named Drakken. Why would you even mention Frankenstein?"

"There was a Frankenstein marathon on Zena Phobia's Horror Chiller Terror Theater From Beyond last night,' Ron confided nervously. "And let me tell you, that 'Vs. The Space Monster' one was scary! I wet myself twice."

"Well, I'm wet all over and the one thing I'm most scared of right now is catching a cold," Kim growled, still irritated that Ron, of all people, had actually spotted their destination first. But then again, that WAS why GJ allowed Ron to go on their missions. They called it the Ron Factor, but it was really just plain old dumb luck. At least Kim thought she had heard them call it Dumb Luck. She'd definitely heard the "Dumb" and the "uck" used in reference to Ron. A lot.

"Come on Ron," She finally managed. "Let's see if we can at least get dried off and use their phone."

##########

The castle was even bigger than Kim had thought at first. That sucked, because it meant it was actually even further away than she had thought, which meant the walk was nearly twice as long. By the time they finally got there, the slim defense provided by the water repellent on her mission uniform had been thoroughly stormed and ransacked, and her clothing was so plastered to her body she wasn't just exhibiting an extreme form of camel-toe, but the FBI would have been able to identify which camel it had come from by the specific ridges left by it's "hoof-marks."

"Jeez! What little tiny knockers!" Ron commented.

"It's cold Ron," Kim muttered. "And we can't all be D cups."

"I was talking about THOSE knockers," Ron sighed, pointing to the tiny brass objects that had seemingly been attached to the massive wooden doors as an afterthought. The effect was not unlike what might be seen if a manatee had decided to wear a pair of nipple rings.

"Ah. Yes." Kim replied uncomfortably. It irked her that the one thing the girl who could do anything couldn't seem to do was grow the attachments that made her a girl into something more approaching a woman. On the other hand, if she wore a paper bag over her head, she'd probably be getting carded at bars when she was seventy three.

Stepping up thr three stone stairs leading to what was very obviously the front door, Kim reached up for the left knocker, rapped it twice, and was surprised to find that the sound it made was unexpectedly loud. Nothing seemed to happen for a long moment, which gave her time to study the elaborate pattern carved in the door… a rather disturbing image of a female centaur carrying a nude female human into a cave. Inscribed above it was a phrase in Latin "Veni etiam meus venit vagina." Kim blushed as she realized that what the artist had probably been trying to say was "I came and my vagina came too."

Further reflection on THAT thought was cut short as, just as Kim was considering knocking again, there came the sound of locks being unbolted on the other side of the door. Realizing that the door would probably open quite widely, Kim stepped back and gently prodded Ron backwards also. It was just as well, for had Kim been standing on the higher steps, she might have fallen backwards as the door opened just a crack and a face peered out.

A VERY not human face… and rather rodential, in fact. Whatever the rest of the creature might look like was obscured by the door, but the face was oddly round and pink… not Caucasian flesh-tone pink but the color usually reserved for piggy banks, bubble gum and economy personal pleasure products purchased via ebay (not that Kim had seen any of those.) The eyes were almost perfectly round, it's cleft upper lip failed to cover a huge set of buck teeth and if it had ever had any chin, it had apparently lost it in a bet with a fruit vendor. In retribution, however, it had apparently stole the vendor's prize banana-beanie, as a beanie topped by single vertically mounted specimen of exactly that fruit was perched on the creature's otherwise completely bald head.

"You're not Bueno Nacho," The creature sighed in disappointment, in a voice that sounded not unlike an older version of the cartoon character Bart Simpson. With a British accent. "So you must be the entertainment."

"I beg your pardon?" Kim queried at the same instant that Ron replied "Bueno Nacho?"

"Yes, the mistress must be having one of her catered affairs," the creature replied, answering both questions at once. "Though I must say that YOU" He eyed Kim's soaking wet form… and she knew that she probably looked more like a drowned rat at the moment than it did… and emitted a small squeaky exhale, "Will need some cleaning up before you'll be acceptable."

Not sure how to take that, Kim sidestepped what was probably meant to be an insult and put on her best polite smile.

"I'm afraid we're not here for an affair. We… uh… our vehicle broke down a few mile back and we were hoping to use your phone and dry off."

"Only the mistress has access to the phone," the creature snorted. "But we can do something about the dry, I suppose."

With that, the door opened the rest of the way and Kim could see that the rest of the creature's body was very much of a piece with its head… something that was rather easy to see since, except for the previously mentioned banana-beanie and a utility belt (with the words "property D. Grayson, please return to W. Manor" scrawled on the exposed canvas part,) the creature was completely naked. It was also at LEAST sixt feet tall and VERY obviously male.

Kim tried not to look.

Ron, on the other hand, was obviously attempting to figure out exactly which part was an analog for what. He finally gave up with a simple statement of "Not Jewish, huh?"

"No," the creature might have smiled. "Though I love the food. Watch out for the Narrator."

"Excuse me?" Kim following the creature's pointing finger…she belatedly realized he had only three on each hand ala Mickey Mouse… to a large, heavy set man sitting on a stool to the side of the long hall they were entering. He wore a rather well-worn business suit, not unlike a school principal might, and had a name tag that read "Barkin, M."

"As Kim and Ron entered the hallway," the man narrated, "They had no idea of what was about to happen to them… or how their lives would be changed forever.'

"Yes, yes, very impressive," the pink creature rolled its eyes. "He's always spouting off nonsense that's perfectly obvious, but sometimes he does provide some useful information."

"Said the pink creature, whose name was RuffRatt," the Narrator added.

"Yep, that was useful," Ron added.

"Still thinking about how you would actually circumcise a naked Mole Rat, which was what RuffRatt was," the Narrator droned on, "and also wondering if going naked all the time would clear up terrible hemorrhoids like Ron had up his..."

"And that was WAY too much information," Kim interrupted, gasping. "Way too much!"

"And yet, now that the question had been asked, she was thinking about how you would circum… OOF!" The Narrator's voice gave out as Kim delivered a roundhouse kick to his midsection.

"Enough." Kim stated forcefully.

"Oooo, I think I'm going to like you!" RuffRatt grinned. "And I know who's going to like you even more! But first, you should meet the rest of the… staff."

As RuffRatt said that, they entered what was apparently the main entertaining room… what was it they called them in the old movies? A parlor? Whatever, it looked more like a very large and very debauched library. There were bookcases everywhere, some filled with books, some filled with videos with titles that Kim didn't recognize… "Debs," "Imagine Me and You," and oh, that one looking interesting! "But I'm a Cheerleader." What an odd title!

"If only she knew," The Narrator added wheezily from behind them, having apparently recovered enough to stagger into the room behind them and the others.

Oh yes, and the others. A dozen or so people, most dressed in pink unitards with short vestigial tails (on the unitards, not the people,) opaque black sunglasses and pink mouse-ear caps that had had the Mickey Mouse Club decals crudely covered over with pictures of RuffRatt.

"My posse, the Molerattians," RuffRatt acknowledged. "And my two senior co-horts…"

Kim gasped as she saw the women coming towards her. An elegant black girl with wildly teased hair in an exteremely short blue sequined maid outfit, the dress of which was so scandalously short that didn't quite cover her private parts… which were just barely… emphasis on the bare… covered by a tiny red thong…

"You're welcome, fanboys," The Narrator smoothly inserted.

…and another girl in what seemed to be an x-rated version of Liza Minnelli's tux outfit from Caberet… except the top was nothing more than a pair of suspenders, each of which that somehow strategically covered a thrusting nipple atop an absolutely perfect breast. Her almost completely exposed ass was equally magnificent and her perfect physical tone screamed professional dancer… or cheerleader. A smoldering brunette, the girl's face was the icing on the cake. She was, in a word…

"Schwing!" Ron stepped in on cue.

"Ladies Mo-genta and BonneLabia," RuffRatt grinned, pronouncing the Bonne in the French fashion while watching Kim's face for… something. And he was certainly seeing something all right, as Kim was in complete shock.

Not just over the women's lack of dress, or even her own odd reactions to it… But because she had SEEN them before, in her dreams! No, not that way! In the ones she'd been having about that other version of her life!

"Foreshadowing," quipped the Narrator.

"Shhh!" Scolded RuffRatt.

"Can you "Schwhing" twice without unSchwinging first?" Ron asked.

"Sure," BonneLabia licked her smiling lips at Ron with what could only be called a predatory foretaste. "But if it lasts more than four hours, you won't like what I have to do to drain it."

"Um…" Kim stammered, now in total sensory overload. "Just what IS going on here? Is this some kind of party celebrating…"

"Naked mole rats," the Narrator reminded her.

"Oh, that's only the beginning of what we're celebrating," Mo-genta smirked. "But girlfriend, why wouldn't we want to be having a party over six-feet and two inches of bare pulsing and ready to please exposed pink mole skin? You wouldn't BELIEVE his reproductive drive."

"More than enough to offset the cheese thing," BonneLabia agreed.

"The cheese thing?" Kim gulped. "This is way too weird."

"No, what was weird," the Narrator added, "Was how suddenly there was a band in the room… strangely composed entirely of ex-members of Parliament-Funkadelic… and how they suddenly began to play backup as RuffRatt burst into song!"

_(To the tune of Time Warp)_

_RuffRatt:  
It seems strange yes;  
All this pink flesh;  
Not a single hair to my soul.  
But I'm not human..._

_Mo-genta:  
He's not even a primate._

_RuffRatt:  
Nor am I... a rat or vole._

_It's not easy, being a mole rat  
Who's strangely six foot two  
When the cheese lust hits me_

_Mo-genta:  
And his instincts start calling..._

And THEN EVERYBODY STARTED WITH THE LEWD DANCING! So the Drama!  
_  
Molerattians:  
Let's do the mole rap again!  
Let's do the mole rap again!_

_Narrator:  
First you scuttle 'round the floor!_

_All:  
With your eyes squeezed tight!._

_Narrator:  
Bumping blindly around._

_All:  
'Cause you ain't got no sight._

_But it's that blessed cheese lust  
That's gonna drive you insane._

_Let's do the mole rap again!  
Let's do the mole rap again!_

_Mo-genta:  
It's that cheesey, way queso can please me.  
And if you touch mine, I'll cut off your balls.  
Get your own Bueno Natchos,  
Because my cheese is not yo's,  
Which I won't give up, 'til nature calls._

_RuffRatt:  
And since you're a nude mole rat_

_Mo-genta:  
You'll need to take off THAT.  
_

Kim gasped as, in a single smooth motion, Mo-genta and BonneLabia somehow ripped her entire wet mission outfit completely off her body, leaving her wearing only the tiny white bra and the white panties with the little pink heart on the front. Dimly she was aware that Ron was getting the same treatment from the Molerattians, but all she could thing about was that she was glad she was already soaked so no one would notice how this insane spectacle was affecting her. It was way beyond awkweird!

_RuffRatt:  
Because this fic needs some more skin stat!_

_Mo-genta:  
And while it may sound half bake-ed._

_RuffRatt:  
Since you're practically naked._

_All:  
Let's do the mole rap again!  
Let's do the mole rap again._

_Bonnelabia:  
Well I was held for detention  
So it was after school,  
When my science teacher showed me his big slide rule!  
It was 12 inches, so while I knew it was wrong,  
It seems I'm a sucker, for a teacher's schlong!  
I needed to pass, decided to stay.  
He got some ass, and I got an "A"!_

_All:  
Let's do the mole rap again!  
Let's do the mole rap again!_

_Narrator:  
It's like unprotected sex._

_All:  
Because you're bare to the bone,_

_Narrator:  
Now send some one a sext._

_All:  
Using the camera on your phone!_

_Then the mating instinct  
Will take over your brain!  
Let's do the mole rap again.  
Let's do the mole rap again._

Kim had found herself breathing rapidly, getting into the 'mood' despite her best efforts otherwise, but then RON had to blow everything! He suddenly started and singing and dancing TO THE WRONG TUNE!

_RON:_

_What is that,  
that freaky thing?  
yes that's right its a naked mole rat  
Gonna buy me, some bling bling  
listen to the naked mole rap_

_Who oh Who oh huh spike spike spike who oh who oh ooh super freak ooh spike spike spike… uh…_

Ron suddenly stopped as he realized that everyone else in the room, including Kim, had stopped and were glaring at him.

"So, uh… no Boo-Yah?" He finished feebly.

"No way Dork," BonneLabia snarked, voicing the general consensus.

"Well that was interesting," Kim tried to smile, then remembered that she was suddenly wearing only her underwear.

"Looks like the room just got cold for the redhead," Mo-genta giggled.

"Enough," The giant naked mole rat coughed discretely. "The time for these minor frivolities is finished. Our Mistress has arrived here."

Kim turned, looked up the stairs and beheld the most amazing woman she had ever seen in her life. I wasn't just that the woman's skin was a beautiful soft green… and it wasn't because the woman was wearing only her black leather lingerie (although that did make Kim feel slightly less uncomfortable about the fact that she and Ron were only wearing their wet underwear as well.) No, what was most amazing was the way the woman made Kim FEEL. It was… as if there was a fire burning inside her that she'd never felt before. Not just in her heart, but lower, too.

God, Kim thought, is this how a woman is supposed to feel about another woman? She'd never felt this way about ANYONE before, not even Ron… and now she was feeling incredibly guilty about accepting Ron's ring. Had she just made the greatest mistake of her life?

And then things got even weirder… weirder than the six foot tall hairless mole rat that had greeted them at the door. Weirder than the strangely dressed people doing the weird dance in the parlor… because now music began to play from absolutely nowhere!

"Miss Possible, Mister Stoppable," RuffRatt said with an odd smirk as he introduced them to the staggering woman. "May I present the mistress of the house… the incomparable Shego Kigofurther."

And then Shego's eyes caught Kim's, and for the first time in her life, Kim truly understood the meaning of the phrase 'caught like a deer in the headlights.' She couldn't move! She couldn't breathe! All she could do was stare… at the those incredibly green eyes… the unbelievably curves of her waist, hips and… And most of all, at those impossibly beautiful green lips…

And then, as the incredible green woman started to walk towards Kim, she started to sing!

_(to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite" from the Rocky Horror Picture show, if you haven't already figured that out.)_

"_How d'you do, _

_I see you've met my_

_mole rat handyman,  
I think he's pissed off because_

_he'd hoped you'd be our  
Bueno Nacho Deliveryman._

_.  
Now don't be freaked ou _

_By my skin color,  
You'll find looks can be deceptive,  
I'm a maraschino cherry that's been dyed dark green,  
And I bring my own contraceptive!_

_I'm just a sweet girl they call Shego 'cause they say 'She goes either way…'_

_So let me show you Princess,_

_What kind of fun you might miss  
Unless you happen to swing both ways  
'Cause I could be oh so naughty,_

_With that fine little body  
Trying everything Possible, I think is the phrase."_

Ron was simply standing there with his tongue hanging on the floor, so Kim jumped in and found, to her shock, that she was singing with the music as well!

"_Pleased to meet you, I'm Kim,_

_This is Ron, I'm with him…  
We're both coming back from a mission.  
And while I'm not sure why,_

_You're asking if I'm bi,  
You won't get any such admission."_

At that, Shego's eyes twinkled and a wry smirk crossed her lips. No, she wasn't buying Kim's statement at all. Not surprising, as Kim was suddenly finding it rather hard to believe herself.

Especially when Shego started singing again, her eyes examining Kim the way a starving dog would a side of beef. Hunger… no… ravenous… that was the word. She wanted Kim, and if Kim was truthful with herself, she was beginning to think she just might be interested in finding out what it would be like to be "wanted" that way…

_"So you're involved with this schmuck? _

_Well, that's lousy luck!  
But Pumpkin,_

_don't you worry.  
I'll get into your pants, _

_And teach you a new dance.  
That'll get you switched around in a hurry._

_I'm just a sweet girl called Shego and I'm asking you to come and play…  
_

_.  
So why don't you stay for the night?_

_And maybe we'll fight?  
You seem to need to work off some aggression._

_First we'll wrestle around,_

_And take each other down  
Before I teach you a brand new obsession!_

_And then this sweet girl named Shego is going to do you every way…_

_.  
_

_So come on Miss Kimmie,_

_And I'll make you shimmy.  
As your body shivers in complete… satisfaction!  
But I do play rough, _

_So unless you're tough,  
I'll warn you that you may end up in... traction!_

_And then this sweet girl called Shego is going to prove to you you're gay…_

"Ooo, and looks like I may be making my point even quicker than I thought," Shego smirked as she took in the luscious young thing in front of her. "Tasty tasty!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Lied Kim.

"Oh, don't try to lie with the Narrator around," Shego grinned. "I read your reaction before the beginning of the song."

"Fuck," Kim muttered under her breath.

"Oh I intend to," Shego slid close. "Multiple times."

"And with that, Kim realized that she was probably screwed," The Narrator added. "The only question left was whether she was going to enjoy it!"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: **__Yes, it's been a while since I updated this one. FWIW, it's going to be a four act in the end… final length will depend on how many of the other songs will KiGo or RonBonMon-ify… but it was always going to be one of the shortest of the multi-chapter stories I've floated on FFN, so expect a fairly rapid conclusion given that it's now half thru. As always, if you don't know the songs, you can find them on the internet... or on your copy of the GLEE season one box set. ;) **Legal disclaimers**__: Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Shego, Monique, Bonnie Rockwaller, Mr. Barkin, Motor Ed, Dr. Drakken are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Music is stol… a tribute to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, book and lyrics by Richard O'Brien. Certain other characters are the creations of JRR Tolkein. __Use in __use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, but just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters doing the naughty shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18._

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**The Kimberly Horror Picture Show**

A new KiGo musical by SHADO Commander

ACT 2

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"_Oh, don't try to lie with the Narrator around," Shego grinned. "I read your reaction before the beginning of the song."_

"_Fuck," Kim muttered under her breath._

"_Oh I intend to," Shego slid close. "Multiple times."_

Kim stared at the growing smirk on Shego's face as the Narrator's summation of Kim's innermost thoughts drew closer and closer to revealing… well, never mind what they might be revealing, the point was that the whole thing was insane! Okay, the truth was that there were things that she was barely ready to admit even to herself yet but… she was Kim Possible, damn it, and she didn't DO things like that! Not with anyone, let alone another woman, no matter how well built, shapely and attractive she might be and…

Augh! She had to stop thinking things like that! Especially when this… this… _narrator person_…. seemed determined to broadcast all of her most intimate and embarrassing innermost thoughts to the rest of the world? And how long until the insufferable man picked up on THAT thought too? From amid the chattering back and forth of her ego and superego, the bellowing roar of her unabashed and mostly naked id suddenly stood up, screaming at the top of it's lungs: STOP thinking and just ACT Possible!

Fortunately, if there was a single defining characteristic that had most helped Kim reach her current position in life, it was that she thought quickly and made decisions on the fly faster than anyone else she had ever met… and by virtue of that fact, she was still several thoughts ahead of the Narrator, who was apparently limited by how fast he could talk…. Otherwise he would have turned and run for the nearest hill.

Instead, just as the psychic bore was finishing up "…the only question left was whether she was going to enjoy it," Kim had taken the advice of her id and made an instant snap judgment… the "snap!" being the sound of what appeared to be a very old and valuable antique chair disintegrating over the top of the Narrator's concrete-like cranium.

"Oops," Kim blinked nervously as every eye in the room suddenly turned on her and the single remaining leg of the chair in her hand. "I was, um, looking to see if it was Victorian."

"It was actually Edwardian," The Narrator managed to groan even as his eyeballs rolled up inside his head like counters on a pinball machine and his flipper like eyebrows went up and rigid. There was an almost audible "Ching Ching Ching" as the loose marbles in his head rattled their way down into the 'no return' slot and then his entire huge massive body slowly fell to the floor like a business suit filled with loose Idaho potatoes.

And then every pair of hands in the room simultaneously came together as one and began to applaud.

#############1

"_Well, THAT was fast,"_ Shego thought to herself, realizing that her trademark smirk was in severe danger of being replaced by an actual _smile_. Not a lewd grin. Not a knowing leer. An actual sign of real pleasure and… dare she think it? Anticipation. Oh, yes… anticipation indeed, after all this time.

"About time!" RuffRatt echoed, exclaiming cheerily as he motioned for several of his Molerattians to drag the unconscious body off. "He invited himself a few weeks ago and nobody dared ask him to leave for fear of what he'd pick out of their head."

"Mmm, yesssss," Shego used a toss of her head to hide the brief moment it took to steer the expression she was aiming at this Kim person into something that might be better described as predatory than a simple smile. "Mind you, I was rather interested in what… or WHO might come out next, but it IS such a pleasure to meet someone who's fast with her mind AND her body."

"And WHAT a body," Mo-genta and BonneLabia cooed in unison as the matched set of sluts coiled their sinuous forms beside Kim, framing her glistening white form between them like a barely legal jewel daintly displayed between the lewdly splayed valves of a titanic clam made entirely of lace, leather and far too eagerly spread flesh. But as eager as that flesh was, the gloved arms and fishnet stocking clad legs wrapping softly around Kim's sinewy limbs stopped short of any contact that might be seen as an encroachment on a territory to which Shego had not yet laid a definite claim. Oh they longed for it, the beads of sweat forming on their brows and dripping down their legs were proof enough of that, but they dared not make a move before Shego made her own intentions known. Those were the rules. Those had always been the rules.

Except SOMEONE clearly didn't know the rules. For even as Shego was contemplating the pearl sitting in the giant bondage oyster before her, contemplating whether to play walrus or carpenter, the strange and vexing creature that had wandered in from the storm attempted to take control of the situation _again!_

############1

"Um, look," Kim interrupted, twisting free of the other girls, and feeling more than a little exposed in her plain but practical undergarments. Which was a bit odd, actually, considering that her usual swimsuit actually covered less and revealed more, but she'd never had anyone look at her the way Shego was looking at her while wearing her swimsuit. With the thrice over Kim was getting right now, a boy scout pup tent probably wouldn't offer enough coverage to be comfortable. Even if it was still full of boy scouts. "We really just stopped by to see if we could use the phone."

"So sorry, phone out of order," Shego ogled languidly, her eyes slowly rolling up along every sculpted curve of the redhead's athletic build. "For some reason that always happens every time things start to get a little wet in our service area."

Kim gulped.

"But…" And now the green woman's eyes were smoldering as she walked towards the three girl sandwich, her hungry gaze devouring the heroine's glimmering, moisture drenched form.

"I couldn't possibly let you two go back out into such a beastly night and we were JUST about to set down for dinner. Why don't you two join us and if the rain hasn't cleared up…" Those amazing emerald eyes batted thoughtfully, "I'm sure we can find a bed for you to spend the night in."

"Er…" Kim returned brilliantly, increasingly torn between a growing interest in what was REALLY going on in this place, a fear of learning what was going on with herself, and a worry that she might not be able to handle what she might uncover in either case.

"We wouldn't want to be an… imposition," She squeaked.

"Oh, trust me," Shego's voice fluttered. "There's no position too 'im' for mois, Miss… Possible, was it…?"

For some reason that set all the Molerattians tittering and Kim felt her blush rising for the dozenth time so far that night. She hated it when people tittered at her name… the high pitched giggling was bad enough, but the simultaneous rubbing of all their nipples was worse, and to top it off, she was quite certain that she heard BonneLabia whisper "I'll bet she is, too," to a snickering Mo-genta.

"That's right, Kim Possible," Ron corrected, then promptly made things worse. "She can do anything."

'_Well that's one solution to the engagement problem,_' Kim fumed as there was another round of giggles. _'You can't be engaged to someone who's buried in the unmarked grave you put them in.'_

"Hmmm. We'll have to see about that," Shego smirked, pretending to ignore her ladies in baiting. "But I should warn you, Pumpkin… I can't resist a challenge. Now, if you'll follow me…"

"It's not the challenge she can't resist," BonneLabia whispered slyly to Mo-Genta, as Shego motioned for everyone to follow her to the dining room.

"Yep, it's those wiry little RCHs," Mo-Genta licked her lips snidely. "I guess that means we're stuck with the blonde."

"Sad," BonBon sighed. "I've seen better ears on a corn stalk. Probably smarter too."

"I seem to remember _someone_ having quite a bit of fun with an ear of corn," Mo-Genta insinuated lewdly. "When was that? Oh yes, last night…"

"_Remember not to eat the corn,"_ Kim noted as she watched the various Molerattians start filing after their Mistress and found herself following as well. Well, why not? She was intrigued AND hungry… for food, of course… it was still raining miserably outside, and maybe someone here might actually know something about the missing scientist. As long as she was stuck here, she should do something about getting to the bottom of the mystery of his disappearance. Right?

"_Right,"_The little voice in her head responded. Never mind that this was the same voice that had told her to cut her brothers hair with her Grandmother's pinking shears when she was four. Or that the scientist might not be the mystery she actually wanted to get to the bottom of.

However, while Kim's suddenly overactive id was quite willing to play along for just a little longer, her so-called partner seemed less inclined to do so… and Ron Stoppable turning down a free meal was an event that came about as often as 'Free Samples Night" at Fort Knox.

"Hey, Kim?" He began whinily.

"Yes, Ron?" She groaned, knowing what was coming. It was time for his regular mission chicken-out.

"I think I should mention..." Ron began, "I've got this bad apprehension,  
That there might some ill intention, among the wackos at this weird convention, and sometimes a pound of cure, is worth less than an ounce of prevention…"

"So…" Kim grumped. "You're saying?

(To the tune of DAMN IT, JANET)

_RON  
I think that it's time that we moved on… _

_KIM  
No Ron. _

_RON  
This place creeps me out, so let's go on …_

_KIM  
No Ron. _

_RON  
That green chick's got a real weird glow on…_

_KIM  
I know Ron… _

_RON  
I've got one thing to say, and that's,  
Hang on, come on, let's run away!_

_(beat)_

_RON  
I know it's a point that you're sore on_

_KIM  
No Ron… _

_RON  
But there aren't any guards from the back door on _

_KIM  
No Ron! _

_RON  
I just think we should know the score on…_

_KIM  
NO RON!_

_RON  
Kim, it's been a long day, can't we,  
Run on, get gone, flee right away!_

_(beat)_

_RON  
I know that usually I'm just a sidekick,  
But this is something that I know…  
This whole sitch is looking truly wrong sick!  
Oh K-I-M-Space-P, I want to go!_

_KIM  
It's too late now it's sink or swim, _

_RON  
But Kim… _

_KIM  
So I'm jumping in without prelim, _

_RON  
But Kim…_

_KIM  
To learn the secret of this kibbutzim _

_RON  
But Kim…_

_KIM  
I've one thing to say and that's  
no Ron, no, I won't flee with you..._

_RON  
But Kim… _

_KIM  
No! No Ron! _

_RON  
It's grim! _

_KIM  
Oh come on! _

_RON  
K.P.! _

_KIM & RON  
I/You have my/your priorities, which means_

KIM  
_Although I may go off on a limb, _

_RON  
But Kim!_

_KIM  
And abandon you when it suits my whim,_

_RON  
But Kim!_

_KIM  
In the end, it'll still be us against them,  
_

_RON  
But Kim!  
_

_KIM  
I've one thing to say and that's  
(**making Puppy dog pout**)  
Please Ron, please Ron, say you'll stay..._

_RON  
Oh plegm! No Kim!_

KIM **(turning Puppy dog pout up to 11)**  
_Oh Ron… Come on!_

RON  
_Going dim, brain stem…  
Augh!  
Fine, You WIN!_

"Okay, so that's settled then," Kim forced a smile onto her face, not letting him see how close she'd been to simply abandoning him and disappearing into the dining room after the long departed others. "Come along Ronald."

"Hey, wait…" Ron stammered, having expected another verse of the song to get a few conditions of his own tossed into the argument. Wasn't this above and beyond the call of duty, even for a sidekick? Hey wait! Wasn't he her fiancé too? At the very least, didn't that make it worth like, a boobie touch or maybe even a…?

It was a moot point, as he was now alone in the room.

"Aw… darn!" Ron sighed and followed Kim to his probable doom.

####################

The dining room was in the same eclectic taste as all the rest of the mansion. Signs and toys from various eras were mounted on the wall, the floor was covered with a cheap red indoor/outdoor carpet and, in addition to a large single table set up for ten, there were a half dozen smaller tables, all made of the same strange wood encased in heavy plastic. The entering group was greeted as they entered by a tall female molerat wearing some kind of green vest covered with buttons. Most of them, Kim noted, were advertisements for various products, but some were odd slogans like "Drawn by Silver" and "Repent, lest ye go to Season 4."

"Welcome to TGI RuffRat's," The moleratette smiled as perkily as someone with buck teeth half the size of their head could. "Tables for how many?"

"All of them," Shego waved vaguely, "But everyone except those at the main table can only order off the children's menu."

"Yes ma'am," The moleratette winced. The child's menu consisted entirely of cold oatmeal they bought used from Wilford Brimley… no one knew exactly what he had used it for prior to selling it, and no one was going to ask.

Needless to say, there was a rush for the main table… one that was successfully foiled by RuffRat, who produced a set of printed placecards and flung them with ninja-like accuracy at anyone to whom Shego gave the 'thumbs down." As the cards were apparently razor-edged, it took only a few flesh wounds before the majority of the Molerattians ended up porridge-bound, while the central table was occupied by himself, Shego, Kim, Ron, BonneLabia, Mo-Genta, two very nervous looking Molerattians wearing red shirts embroidered with skulls and the word "Security," and Gimli the Dwarf, who had wandered over from a LOTR fanfic when he heard there was a free meal being offered.

"I'll order for everyone," Shego ordered the moleratette as she was about to begin passing out menus. "I think I'll treat everyone to a Number 69 tonight."

BonneLabia and Mo-Genta 'oooed' appreciatively at that, while RuffRat merely looked skyward. Kim blushed at the crudeness of the joke… if it WAS a joke… while Ron completely missed it, as usual.

"Very well Ma'am," the Moleratette nodded, disappearing through a door labeled with a bronze plaque that read "Hell's Kitchen."

"So what's a 69?" Ron asked RuffRat as the Moleratette took drink orders.

"Nothing from Bueno Nacho," RuffRat replied, crying a bitter tear.

"Aw…" Ron whined. "That sucks."

"But it does involve tacos," Mo-Genta slid in carefully, sidling up to the sidekick stealthily.

"Multiple varieties," BonneLabia agreed, running one finger along Ron's shoulders.

"Oh. That's okay. I guess," Ron allowed, wondering what was going on. Girls? Paying attention to HIM?

"Trust me, you'll love these," BonneLabia tempted. "And there are other places to eat, you know…"

"Have you tried the Y?" Mo-Genta teased.

"So, have you been living here long?" Kim queried, trying desperately to install some kind of rationality to this situation… the concept of two girls actually putting the moves on Ron being enough to completely rattle her faith in reality. "I'm asking since we were actually in the area looking for someone named Doctor Drakken and…"

"DOCTOR DRAKKEN?" The assembled Molerattians, BonneLabia, Mo-Genta and RuffRatt all exclaimed simultaneously in alternately shocked, terrified and aghast tones.

"Uh… yeah…" Kim's voice trailed off, seeing every eye in the room bulged the size of pie-pans and staring at her… all except for four. Ron's and Shego's.

Shego merely shrugged her shoulders. "Never heard of him."

"Oh yes." "Me too." "Neither have I!" "Oh, DRAKKEN, I thought you said Krakken!" came the immediate jumble of words as everyone was suddenly in a complete case of denial.

For some reason, though, Kim wasn't buying it. Maybe it was just a gut feeling. Maybe it was the crossed fingers Shego had made while saying it. Or maybe it was the fact that she'd just noticed that the napkin under her glass read "Doctor Drakken's Plastic Surgery, Spa and Daycare.

"_And the plot sickens,"_ Kim thought to herself. _"But what's really twisted is that I'm not going to call her on it because…"_

Because of her dreams. Because of how SHE looked. Of how SHE smelled…

"_Oh hell…"_ Shego thought as she saw Kim's eyes dwelling on the napkin on the table and going glassy. _'This_ _girl is way too sharp and observant.'_ But, however small, Shego's cover story still left herself a tiny fraction of plausible deniability, and since she'd already set a course, all she could do was try to bull her way through… which was going to be quite a challenge as she usually preferred to play the girly side of the equation… Still…

"So where's that first course?" the green woman yelled loudly, hoping to distract the distracting redhead from the distraction on the table. "Where's my fruit cup?"

"Fruit cups, coming in!" the moleratette yelled back as three busboys entered and began distributing plates, each of which held two peeled honeydew melon halves, laid out side by side, with each green peak topped by a single bing cherries.

"Excellent!" Shego sighed, making happy sounds as she tossed her both of her smaller fruit up in the air, skillfully catching them in her mouth, then spit both the pits and the stems… now tied in bows… back onto her plate.

"I love popping cherries," she smoldered at Kim, who was still looking at the twin green melons on her plate dubiously and had missed the entire performance, damnit!

"Second course!" Shego yelled. "Chop chop!"

"Better eat quick, Princess," She added quickly, nudging the firebrand next to her in the ribs. "If you don't try them, they're just going to have to go back to where they came from."

"Sorry," the young heroine looked back at her oddly. "But there are some things I'm having a little trouble… swallowing right now."

Kim didn't even notice the worried look on Shego's face. She was too busy looking at the cherries atop her dish and wondering whether she should be worried that her first though on seeing the dish have been whether they'd be red like this, or green. Was anyone at this table NOT talking about something that had something to do with sex?

"I don't mind the yaoi crap with elves, " Gimli was saying, "But have you ever tried to pork an orc? Might as well stick the old warhammer in a lathe, if you know what I mean."

So, the answer would be 'No,' Kim thought miserably, watching as her fruit cup was taken away and the second course placed in front of her.

Raw oysters? Kim blinked, trying to remember if this month had an R in it.

"What's the matter Princess," Shego smirked as Kim stared as the fleshy, wrinkly things on her plate. "Don't like putting your lips on things that are a little slimy?

For emphasis, Shego opened her mouth and poured one oyster from its shell, letting it slide down the length of her astonishingly long, pink tongue… which only brought Kim back to her earlier thoughts… if her tongue is pink then…

Across the table, the third course had arrived, but Ron was getting increasingly frustrated. Every time a plate of corn on the cob was passed towards him, it was empty by the time it passed BonneLabia… and yet there was a disturbing lack of either fresh ears or cobs on the table.

"What's going on?" Ron whined, "How come I'm not getting any?"

"That haircut?" RuffRat postulated. "Your ears? Your winning personality?"

"Oh, you'll be getting some soon enough," Mo-Genta grinned, watching BonneLabia as the girls arms began making curcular motions beneath the table. "And I think someone else I know is going to get an ear-full later."

"Someone else you know is getting an ear-full now," BonneLabia groaned, sliding further back in her seat and drooling onto Ron's shoulder.

"I'll pass," Kim waved the whole glistening cob away as it was offered to her.

"You don't want yours?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Uh, no…" Kim wavered on the edge of confiding her suspicions as to where said corn had been, then realized that there was no subtle way to do it and, knowing Ron, he probably wouldn't care. "Help yourself."

"Aren't you going to eat anything, Princess?" Shego asked with concern. The redhead's failure to follow the standard rules of the game had left her completely unable to figure out what to do next. Flabbergasted or offended she knew how to deal with… Kim only looked more and more…

Well, Shego DIDN'T know what she looked like. She'd never seen a look quite like it. And it was kindling something equally strange inside Shego… something so alien to her being that it had taken her until this moment to finally realize what it was.

Concern for another person.

"Are you… okay, Pumpkin?"

Kim let out a long sigh. "Does everything with you have to be about innuendo?"

"Of course not," Shego retorted automatically. "I'm just as interested about what goes in your endo, Princess."

Shego wanted to hit her own self in the face as soon as she heard the glib comment leave her lips. The brief opening that she'd sensed… had seen in Kim's eyes… died a horrible death as Kim simply looked away.

"Nevermind," Kim muttered. "You probably wouldn't have understood anyway."

"_NOOOOO!"_ The voice in the back of Shego's head screamed. She felt as though she had just been violently kicked in the stomach and into an electrical tower.

"Fuck," she growled under her breath. How could this be happening to her? She was the one who in charge, who was always in control. How dare this fucking redhead come in here and turn everything upside down and inside out?

"Look, you," Shego snarled at Kim…

And then something completely unexpected happened as a man stepped into the room from the kitchen and said something that would change the course of the evening irrevocably.

It was the Narrator, looking battered and confused and wearing only a tiny red codpiece as he staggered into the room and delivered the following line:

"And then something completely unexpected happened as a man stepped into the room from the kitchen and said something that would change the course of the evening irrevocably."

Having completed his role in the scene, the Narrator fell over flat on his face, blissfully unconscious, just as ANOTHER man entered the room through the same entrance. This one was tall and obscenely broad across the shoulder, and he sported a ridiculously huge blonde mullet that looked like his head was being dry-humped by a gold lhasa apso.

"Yo!" He glared around indignantly. "Like, how come no one told me it was chow time? Seriously!"

"No one told you because you weren't invited, Eddie," BonneLabia snapped back, still pumping frantically under the table.

"Yeah," Mo-Genta added, "You are like so yesterdays business, seriously!"

"Perhaps it would be wise if you left now," RuffRatt added.

All during this exchange, Kim had been keeping one eye on Shego, who might as well have frozen into a statue upon the second man's entrance.

"Hey! Who is he?" Ron asked out of the blue, thereby fulfilling the plot exposition duties he was required to fulfill as part of his sidekick's position.

"Motor Eddie," RuffRat informed them softly. "He and the mistress were… very briefly… an item."

"VERY briefly," Shego broke her freeze to clarify. "One date, during which he got my name wrong four times and talked non-stop about that piece of crap he calls a car."

Eddie's expression was one of disbelief. "Ouch! Don't diss the car, babe! I was the hottest thing ever in high school! Seriously!"

"He's forty three," Shego informed no one in particular. "And hasn't been laid since he was eighteen."

"Yeah, well," Eddie frowned. "That's cause something's wrong with girls now. Winning formulas don't go out of favor like that."

TO THE TUNE OF "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT?"

_Motor Eddie_

_What ever happened to when cars were cool?  
It all went wrong when I checked out of school…  
So why'm I operating my own tool?  
They used to be… chick magnets supreme…_

_I used to cruise around in a cherry hot rod_  
_In that car I fucked the whole cheerleading squad_  
_We'd go to Boston for seafood and then we'd get scrod._  
_Those leather seats fit the whole volleyball team…._

Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't you girls get in my car?  
_I just don't get it, I was a star, someone must have fucked with my car!  
Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't the girls get in my car?  
There's no way it's me, so there you are! Something must be wrong with my car!_

_The girls'd be screaming when my foot hit the floor  
That accelerator'd turn any virgin into a whore  
They always got in the front but they'd come out the back door  
That sweet motor motion moved em, it made 'em cream…_

_Pop your shades on, pull your mullet back, `_  
_Don't got no CD but I got the eight track._  
_Turn on some Pressley for an aphrodisiac_  
_I had it so good, oh, when did it lose steam?_

_Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't you girls get in my car?_  
_I just don't get it, I was a star, someone must have fucked with my car!  
Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't the girls get in my car?  
There's no way it's me, so there you are:  
Something must be wrong with my car!_

"Something's not wrong with your car, Eddie!" Shego exploded. "It's wrong with you!"

"Chill! What's you ish, dish?" Eddie yawned. "Are you on the rag again?"

"Aaaaaaugh!" Shego screamed, leaping forward so fast that Kim barely had time to register that the green blur that grabbed Eddie around the neck in a hammerlock WAS Shego before she was hauling him into the kitchen.

"Whoa! Not the hair!" Eddie's voice screamed, a horrible sound like shredded aluminum pie pans being dragged across a baritone pitched blackboard, as what appeared to be the entire cooking staff took refuge out in the dining area. This was followed by what sounded like a pig squealing, the sound pots crashing, and, finally, a series of huge, horrific impact sounds that were interspaced with brief comments from Shego.

(THWOMP!)

"DON'T!"

(THOOMP!)

"YOU"

(FOOOOOMP!)

"EVER"

(THAWAMPF!)

"MENTION!

(BA-ROMP!)

"MY"

(THUD!)

"SEXUAL ORGANS!"

(KER-PAMPHF!)

"AGAIN!"

And then everything was quiet… well, except for the sounds BonneLabia was STILL making under her breath… the girl REALLY liked her corn.

Finally, Shego reentered the dining room wearing a new addition to her outfit… a long, fur boa made of a suspiciously familiar blond material.

"Dinner may be slightly delayed," She smiled, motioning for the cooks to get back to work pronto. "As for Eddie, he won't be rejoining us. I believe he'll be otherwise engaged."

"Engaged?" Ron perked up. "Oh yeah! By the way, did I mention that Kim and I just got engaged?"

Even BonneLabia stopped making noise in the stunned silence that followed. The one thing that WAS heard was the slap as Kim face-palmed herself.

She should have known. If there had been one way to make the dinner even more of a disaster, Ron was going to find it. Apparently there had been, he did, and now it was.

This was so the fucking drama.

_TO BE CONTINUED_


End file.
